I Made a Mistake ...

When I started this blog, the intent was to provide some documentation of our experiences, but also with the hope that a few of my thoughts might be uplifting to someone who might read it. And I was hoping that friends, family, and colleagues who are both members and not members of the Church would read it. I didn't expect a large number of visits - I don't imagine myself as any type of media "influencer" after all.  I can see how many times each post is visited and it's clear there are a few that have have seen any of them. I find myself laughing, with some feelings of commiseration, at the current commercial of a family dressed up for the holidays as reindeer (I think). The parents with their two children are getting a picture made. The oldest child insists "You had better not post this!" In reply, the younger child points out "She has like 27 followers." The clear message is "Who cares if she posts it, nobody of any consequence will see it." Thinking about this, I woke up realizing that I made a small mistake on what I should do with these posts. I've been making it too hard on myself. I should probably simply be capturing my thoughts on the experience or what I have been thinking about, reading about, or discussing with Stephanie during the day or week, all without as much concern about who will be reading it as I've been giving it. 

In other words, perhaps this should be more of a journal blog than a topical blog. It won't be purely that, however. My mind simply doesn't work like that. On any subject, be it engineering, politics or religion, I debate myself, trying to consider what I am trying to say from the perspective of who might be reading it, using what I know of their likely assumptions, questions and arguments - all in order to find the best way to present the subject to that potential audience. I try to put myself into the role of the explainer, the describer, the advocate for the idea, the teacher, even the salesman. If I can't find an approach, a description, or an explanation that I personally find satisfactory and sound, then I'm not sure that I understand the subject well enough even for myself and I'm not ready to share it with others.

This is not to say that if I can't explain something that my ideas are wrong or my argument is not sound. It means that I have not yet found the words and that may be due to my own limited grasp on the idea. Many years ago, I was in a meeting with some young up-and-comers at General Electric and was trying to explain something of my philosophy toward life to a fellow attendee. I was frustrated at not having a good way to express it and said so. My colleague said that inability was undercutting the strength of my position. I knew exactly what she meant by that and agreed in the moment, but reflecting on it later, I concluded that we were wrong. It didn't undermine the strength of the argument, it simply exposed a weakness of preparedness. I held the philosophical approach due to personal belief and experience, but had not thought about it enough to expound on it in a satisfactory manner.

Writing about a subject can often help one think through it. Studying it more and listening to, or reading the opinions of others (pro, con or ambivalent) can help with a personal assessment and refinement of your own view. I have to give you a warning, though. It can be a hard approach; hard, but worth it. Forming an opinion should not be a casual affair and it should not be a simple gut reaction. It takes time, experience, and careful reflection to do it well. Joseph Smith, the first Prophet and President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints stated it this way:

The things of God are of deep import; and time, and experience, and careful and ponderous and solemn thoughts can only find them out. Thy mind, O man! if thou wilt lead a soul unto salvation, must stretch as high as the utmost heavens, and search into and contemplate the darkest abyss, and the broad expanse of eternity -- thou must commune with God. How much more dignified and noble are the thoughts of God, than the vain imaginings of the human heart!

When you climb up a ladder, you must begin at the bottom, and ascend step by step, until you arrive at the top; and so it is with the principles of the gospel -- you must begin with the first, and go on until you learn all the principles of exaltation. But it will be a great while after you have passed through the veil before you will have learned them. (as quoted in Liahona, April 2009, p.9)

So forming an opinion should and does take concentration, analysis, and effort. Unfortunately, much of the opinion we are inundated with today by so-called influencers are not so carefully formed. Many are simply visceral responses to what people want to be true and the way they want the world to work, but without putting in the exertion of actually trying to understand the assumptions and biases built into their thoughts or how those may run contradictory to reality and other things they state elsewhere.

And so, I think I'm going to try to adjust my approach to the posts. I'm going to be less concerned about where potential readers may be coming from. I will still select topics and try to expound on them to help me put in the effort to think through them and to help me understand them or to feed my simple desire to talk about them. I am aware that doing so means that I may discover a thing or two where an adjustment here or a tweak there to my opinion or understanding is needed. It may mean an insight gained can have a major impact on my views and I have to reconsider past statements. This is the way things work in this world and it is not a fault, it's a feature - it is permissible to change our minds and alter our views. This truth of life makes it rather ludicrous for people to hold anyone accountable for something they may have said or done years in the past. People can actually grow, learn, and improve if they want to (or shrink, become ignorant, and devolve if they so choose). However, in making such adjustments, one must be careful not to "throw the baby out with the bathwater." Each of us does actually know some foundational things that are true and sure, and finding something that challenges those foundations is not a reason to reject them, it is a reason to explore them. We may have been considering them incorrectly. We may be holding to an embellishment of them or an incomplete view of them. But if they are truly foundational, they will not fail to withstand the scrutiny -- even if we can't yet find the words to explain them well. At the same time, there may be things that we hold firmly to that have been in error all along. This is not an impossibility. A love of truth above all is needed, which requires some sure means of determining truth, but that is a topic for another discussion.

With all of that said, let me take a continuing ramble on why writing these post can actually be quite hard. It's usually easy to find the what of the post, the topic that I may want to write about, but it can be hard to decide exactly how to put my thoughts "to paper" for a number of reasons. One is that the subject matter may be quite personal or deeply sacred to me. That causes a protective response, a fear that it is inappropriate to share, or, even if it is acceptable to share, that it will not be received well by some and be disrespected and debased. In other words, there is a risk in sharing such things. If, however, the topic is sufficiently important, it can become the greater shame to not share what I have learned, experienced, or understood. In these cases, I can only trust in the kindness and understanding of the reader - which can in itself sometimes be hard. The small number of actual readers helps a great deal to alleviate this challenge. 

Another similar reason is that if I'm trying to discuss something when confidentiality and anonymity are important, the how is again an issue. Trying to share the underlying lessons of experiences with people when doing so requires an explanation of the circumstances, while not saying anything that exposes the identity of the people involved can be a tough nut to crack. It is more than simply calling Bob, Kanga, and George, Little Roo. The description of the circumstances involved may still provide enough information for those who are a bit closer to the circumstances and individuals involved to figure out who is being talked about. 

Yet another challenge comes in trying to frame the discussion adequately toward the hoped-for audience. As I stated in my About This Blog page, I do hope that friends and family who may not be members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint will also enjoy reading my posts from time to time. That means that what the reader may not know must be considered and I must find a way to put in enough information to help them follow along. This can be extremely difficult, because as with any group, philosophy, clique, sect, club or association there are certain things that can only be fully understood through shared or common experience. Yet these things often are at the foundation of the experience. 

For example, the personal reverence for and sacred feelings toward the Holy Temple felt by Latter-day Saints can only be fully understood by experiencing it coupled with the type of heartfelt dedication to the gospel, and love for Him whom we worship that most Latter-day Saints bring to the temple. The buildings all have embossed over their doors Holiness to the Lord, The House of the Lord. Others can read that, and they can apply their own experiences of worshipful reverence and having been touched by holiness in other settings to try to understand it, but it is undoubtedly different than what is experienced by those who attend for themselves with the purpose of worshiping Christ, serving others, and making and keeping the covenants and commitments that are the essential purpose of those holy houses. Now by the same token, I am quite certain that what I experienced in various Catholic masses, or in a Shabbat service in a Connecticut synagogue is not what my Catholic family or my Jewish acquaintances get out of their services. The calls to prayer that I experienced in Riyadh were moving but surely had a different impact on me than on those who daily heed their call. But that is my point. These are things that are hard to convey. Words seldom do them justice. I can only hope that the words that I do find, the invitations that I do extend, will help others to find a desire to understand a little better - to dig and ask about something that is so meaningful to me and that I want to share because I believe it will bring them the kind of peace, joy, comfort, understanding, and closeness to God that it has brought to me.

Of course, actual writing can be hard, as anyone who has tried to write an article or book or report knows well. Trying for a well crafted composition takes work - drafting, reordering, editing, rewriting, rereading and then doing it again, scrapping some parts entirely and starting over. You want to speak your mind clearly and effectively. You want to reach your audience in a way that will move them, persuade them, motivate them - finding just the right words, ordered in just the right way, to convey just the right meaning, emotion, feel. Is it possible, you ask, to write it in a manner that the reader can hear your voice when needed and their own when it’s critical for them to do so? Can you lead them to ask the right questions, explore the most important concepts then take what you write and go beyond what you have laid out to the next step, the next idea, the next principle or connection? 

When done correctly, such composition is a humbling experience, but is dangerously heady. If successful, it is easy to become proud and think yourself more than you are, as some great influencer who people should look to instead of merely a fellow traveler also trying to figure things out. “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall” (Prov 16:18) should be kept in mind by any author. I have watched writers, reporters, columnists and pundits over the years become too full of themselves, too sure they alone see things truly and clearly, only to fall spectacularly. A better, more important attitude is that shown by Moroni, the ancient prophet who finished the record abridgment known as the Book of Mormon. After mostly abridging (in remarkably, and for me annoyingly, short form) the record of an even earlier civilization on the American continent, Moroni was worried about his inability to write and convey the critically important doctrines, principles and concepts. He cried to God: 

"... Lord, the Gentiles will mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing; for Lord thou has made us mighty in word by faith, but thou hast not made us mighty in writing; for thou hast made all this people that they could speak much, because of the Holy Ghost which thou hast given them; And thou hast made us that we could write but little, because of the awkwardness of our hands. ... Thou hast also made our words powerful and great, even that we cannot write them; wherefore, when we write we behold our weakness, and stumble because of the placing of our words; and I fear lest the Gentiles shall mock at our words.

"And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness; And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me -- the fountain of all righteousness. 

So, if even prophets of God struggled to convey their ideas well and to their own satisfaction, I will count myself in good company and simply pray that the reader will get from my musings what is needed, and that I have presented and portrayed what is required at my hand.